Hello everyone and welcome
to the first annual Whitfie Award Blog Post!
The Whitfies (pronounced “whit-fees”) are handed out to the winners of various nonsensical categories. Stuff that was released between August 2011 and August 2012 are eligible for one of my theoretical awards.
The Whitfies (pronounced “whit-fees”) are handed out to the winners of various nonsensical categories. Stuff that was released between August 2011 and August 2012 are eligible for one of my theoretical awards.
FAQ
Q: Why are the awards called the “Whitfies”?
A: Because it’s my blog’s awards and the “Whitfields” sound too much like a terrible CBS sitcoms from the 1950s. “Whitfie” comes from my GMU email address; those bastards were too cheap to afford those last two letters, but it’s grown on me over these last few years.
Q: Why are the awards called the “Whitfies”?
A: Because it’s my blog’s awards and the “Whitfields” sound too much like a terrible CBS sitcoms from the 1950s. “Whitfie” comes from my GMU email address; those bastards were too cheap to afford those last two letters, but it’s grown on me over these last few years.
Q: Why is the award show
now, just a few months after the year’s halfway point?
A: So I can pit
games/films/stuff that normally would never be forced to compete with each
other. Finally a chance for the “The Witcher 2: Assassins of Kings” (released
May 2011) and “Deus Ex: Human Revolution” (released August 2012) to compete for
a meaningless award! So many potential flame wars!
Q: What are the categories
and how are they judged?
A: Since only I’m in
charge of the Whitfies, the categories could be anything I want, and they’ll be
judged any way I want. The “Best Box Art” award could go to “Elder Scrolls V:
Skyrim” because I liked how Bethesda released a gimped version of it for the
PS3, just sending forums ablaze with rage. It’s a dictatorship, I do what I
want for whatever reason I want.
Right then, onto the
actual awards:
The Whitfie for “Worst
First Person Shooter”:
This Whitfie is given to
the game/film, when judged as a first person shooter, is the worst FPS. And the
award goes to…
…
…
“Rayman Origins!”
 |
| Image stolen from GiantBomb |
Why:
Don’t get me wrong: I LOVE
“Rayman Origins.” It’s colorful, it’s creative…it’s just fun, but it’s a
terrible first person shooter. First of all, you don’t even play the game from
a first person perspective. Points off for that. Secondly, it’s colorful, it’s
creative…it’s just fun. You know what FPS fits that description? Doom. That’s
right; RO is as good as a nearly 20 year old game. Pathetic. And even when you
do get to shoot stuff in the game, “Rayman Origins” does it all wrong: you’re
shooting from the side, you’re on rails, and you have to avoid stuff.
But it’s still a great
platformer.
The Whitfie for “Best
Reboot”:
With Hollywood and the
video games industry remaking everything under the sun, this Whitfie is given
to the best reboot of a film, game, or sneaker. And the award goes to…
…
…
“Total Recall!”
 | |
| Image stolen from SlashFilm |
Why:
Although I haven’t seen
the remake, I can still write about the film because this is the Internet,
where people complain about stuff they haven’t experienced. From what I’ve
read/heard/etc. the film is awful, and the “best” parts of the film are when
they’re referencing lines/jokes from the original film (ex. 3 breasted
lady, 2 weeks). So, why does it win the
Whitfie?
Because they’ve pulled a
New Coke.
In the 1980’s, The Coca-Cola Company tried to reboot Coke with New Coke, a new drink with a new formula. It bombed, massively. So much so, that when they brought back Coke, which they rebranded as “Coca Cola Classic,” they had a massive sales spike. I think they intentionally made a terrible “Total Recall” reboot so that Sony can bring back Paul Verhoeven and Arnold Schwarzenegger for “Total Recall 2.”
Or perhaps I’m giving Sony too much credit. I feel theories both have merit.
In the 1980’s, The Coca-Cola Company tried to reboot Coke with New Coke, a new drink with a new formula. It bombed, massively. So much so, that when they brought back Coke, which they rebranded as “Coca Cola Classic,” they had a massive sales spike. I think they intentionally made a terrible “Total Recall” reboot so that Sony can bring back Paul Verhoeven and Arnold Schwarzenegger for “Total Recall 2.”
Or perhaps I’m giving Sony too much credit. I feel theories both have merit.
The Whitfie for “Not
Worst/Not Best Thing
This Whitfie is given to
the most average thing; it wasn’t the worst, it wasn’t the best, it’s just the
forgettable middle child. And the award goes to…
…
…
“Deathspank: Thongs of Virtue!”
 |
| Image stolen from GiantBomb |
Why:
I really like
“Deathspank.” The humor was kind of butchered by the delivery and the combat
got repetitive, but its charm eclipsed its faults. So why did the sequel end up
with this prestigious award?
Because, even though it’s technically a sequel, it’s the second half of the “Deathspank” game. Apparently, the original game was too large, so they cut it in half: the first half was the original “Deathspank” and the second half was “Deathspank: Thongs of Virtue.” Therefore, because the sequel was designed as the second half of a big game, it’s just more of the same, for better and for worse. Maybe “The Baconing” is better, but seeing as Ron Gilbert wasn’t involved with it and they didn’t even think putting “Deathspank” in the title would help sales, I doubt it. I’ll miss you, slowly rotating world orb-thing.
Because, even though it’s technically a sequel, it’s the second half of the “Deathspank” game. Apparently, the original game was too large, so they cut it in half: the first half was the original “Deathspank” and the second half was “Deathspank: Thongs of Virtue.” Therefore, because the sequel was designed as the second half of a big game, it’s just more of the same, for better and for worse. Maybe “The Baconing” is better, but seeing as Ron Gilbert wasn’t involved with it and they didn’t even think putting “Deathspank” in the title would help sales, I doubt it. I’ll miss you, slowly rotating world orb-thing.
The Whitfie for “Best
Thing that Restored My Faith in Humanity that wasn’t Super Meaningful”:
This Whitfie is given to
whatever that makes me believe in people. However, the recipient of this award
can’t really be too meaningful, like peace in the Middle East or someone taking
a bullet for someone else. And the award goes to…
…
…
“The Avengers!”
 |
| Image stolen from SlashFilm |
Why:
Remember how comic books
and super heroes were considered uncool? “The Avengers,” not only critically
acclaimed, is also the third (possibly second) highest grossing film of all
time. In addition to that, Joss Whedon is finally getting the success he
deserves. Plus, it validates Whitfield’s Law: “If the nerd community really
likes something, there’s a very high change it’ll become mainstream in the
future.”
The Whitfie for “Worst
M&M”:
This Whitfie is given to the
M&M I ate that I liked the least. I eat a lot of M&M’s. And the award
goes to…
…
…
“That One Blue Peanut M&M”
 |
| Image stolen from thelifefiles.com |
Why:
I judge the quality of an
M&M the opposite way I judge a mannequin’s physical attractiveness: they’re
good if they’re deformed, asymmetrical, and they’re not good at showing off
clothing and clothing accessories. It was just a normal Peanut M&M, and for
the crime of being average, it wins this award (posthumously).
The Whitfie for “Best
August Video Game I Didn’t’ Play”:
This Whitfie is given to the
video game that was released either in August 2011 or August 2012 that, though
I have not played, is probably pretty awesome. And the award goes to…
…
…
“Deus Ex: Human Revolution!”
 |
| Image stolen from GiantBomb |
Why:
I can do this in the game.
Well, that’s it for this Whitfie
Award Blog Post. Check back next year to read more of my bullshit awards!
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