Taking out the Trash

So, originally I started this blog to improve my writing. I would write once a week once every other week once a month, and then, over time, my writing would improve. Sound logic, right? Instead of the constant deadlines improving my writing, it forced me to turn out shitty, terrible posts. Or worse, yet, blog posts that were...*gulp*...mediocre.

I've gone through my blog and removed articles that were not worthy of the Alex Whitfield Seal of Quality© and more will be removed in the coming days. From here on out, I'll only write when I have something interesting/funny to say.

Or something profoundly stupid.

Viva Pinata: Wrong Place, Wrong Time

Viva Pinata is one of my favorite games ever. Partially because of how brilliant it is on its own, partially because it’s a Rare game that is proud of its heritage, but I think a big part of why I love it so much is that it’s unique. In a generation that has been overrun by desaturated, realistic, military shooters, the fact that Viva Pinata, an HD console game, exists at all is nothing short of a miracle. I don’t think it was really given the proper chance it really needed to become a cultural phenomenon because no one exactly knew what to do with it.

But before I continue, a history lesson…

Double Fine and Valve

Tonight, it’s Valve versus Double Fine. Are you ready to find out which is the better studio!?

Mr. Boxman Postmortem

So finally comes the post I’ve been waiting itching to write: the Mr. Boxman Postmortem!

I rebuilt Mr. Boxman into a 50 level (5 worlds, 10 levels/world) 70 costume game that I submitted to the Independent Games Festival, and I am looking into selling it on various platforms sometime in 2013 (I’ll have a demo of the first 10 levels on my website come November 1^st). Seeing as the blog post has in the title “Postmortem”, you were right to assume that the game is “done”! Granted, there are still lots of little changes I want to make, but if I were to suddenly die today from my terminal case of “Being Too Damn Awesome”, the game would still be “done”.

Game Developer Magazine does postmortem articles for games, where the developer lists the top 5 things that went right, and the top 5 things that went wrong. Now that I’ve “finished” Mr. Boxman, I thought it would be “fun” to reflect on the game and see where I went “right” and where I went “wrong”, but with minimal “quotation marks” (sorry, I’ll stop using quotes. I swear, I’m “done”).

The 2011-2012 Whitfies

Hello everyone and welcome to the first annual Whitfie Award Blog Post!

The Whitfies (pronounced “whit-fees”) are handed out to the winners of various nonsensical categories. Stuff that was released between August 2011 and August 2012 are eligible for one of my theoretical awards.

FAQ

Q: Why are the awards called the “Whitfies”?
A: Because it’s my blog’s awards and the “Whitfields” sound too much like a terrible CBS sitcoms from the 1950s. “Whitfie” comes from my GMU email address; those bastards were too cheap to afford those last two letters, but it’s grown on me over these last few years.

Q: Why is the award show now, just a few months after the year’s halfway point?

A: So I can pit games/films/stuff that normally would never be forced to compete with each other. Finally a chance for the “The Witcher 2: Assassins of Kings” (released May 2011) and “Deus Ex: Human Revolution” (released August 2012) to compete for a meaningless award! So many potential flame wars!

Q: What are the categories and how are they judged?

A: Since only I’m in charge of the Whitfies, the categories could be anything I want, and they’ll be judged any way I want. The “Best Box Art” award could go to “Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim” because I liked how Bethesda released a gimped version of it for the PS3, just sending forums ablaze with rage. It’s a dictatorship, I do what I want for whatever reason I want.

Right then, onto the actual awards:

Top 10 TV Shows I Would Change for the "Better"

I love TV. I’ve spent time with TV. I’ve had dinners with TV. I even once proposed to TV (it was super awkward: after I popped the question, it cut to one of those “No Means No” PSAs and we haven’t spoken about it since.)

But I think TV could be improved. Here’s my “Top 10 TV Shows I Would Change for the Better” List. The changes could be as small as changing the font used for the logo or as big as replacing the entire cast with coked up cats. Let’s find out how I would ruin improve various television shows!

Bioshock and Alien Franchises

 

[A quick note before the blog post: I’ve decided to change my schedule again to make this a monthly blog. Though school is over for now, I’m still very busy, and I show no signs of slowing down. From now on, check back the first last Saturday of every moth for the new blog post.]

I’m about to compare two things that should not be comparable. Assuming you read the title, you already know I’m going to compare and contrast the first two Bioshock games with the first two Alien films. If you read the title and assumed I was going to be writing about which franchise is better, you’ll have to go elsewhere on the Internet to read stupid people compare apples to oranges.

The Bioshock and Alien franchises are very different. The only similarity they share on the surface is that they’re both critically acclaimed and set in the science-fiction genre. But there’s actually a lot of concepts shared between Alien and Bioshock and between Aliens and Bioshock.

It's Mr. Pants

Continuing from the other week, this blog post is a brief review of “It’s Mr. Pants,” another one of Rare’s forgotten gems from the Gameboy Advance. I still haven’t completed the game, but I have played enough of it to know that the ending isn’t a plot twist where Microsoft shoots Mr. Pants in the face.

And like last time, I’m not going to just talk about the game itself. There’s a history to the greatest character to ever come from Britain that you must know!

Sabrewulf GBA

This Christmas I received various presents. DVD box sets, books, gift cards to stores I thought had gone bankrupt several years ago, but one of my favorites was Sabrewulf for the Gameboy Advance. I am a big fan of Rare, you see. If Rare was a person, I’d be arrested for going through its trash, sniffing its discarded, dirty laundry. I have a deep problem obsession interest with the studio (I’ll touch on that topic later, when I no longer worry about its survival daily). Which is why its odd I never really played any of its Gameboy Advance games. Originally, the handheld division just ported over the Donkey Kong Country games, but from 2003-2005, the division started doing original titles. They were “original” in the sense that the titles were not ports of older games but also in the sense that they were unlike many other games out there.

The title that popped out the most to me was “It’s Mr. Pants” (which was responsible for the name of a little game I made). However, I have not completed that game quite yet, so instead, I’m going to review my second choice: Sabrewulf!

The Ballad of Flynnigan Whitfieldingtonshiresworth

College is a time to try new things. Some people spend that time trying weird courses. Others spend that time experimenting with drugs and sex. Last semester, I tried Dungeons and Dragons. Now, I have a weekly Dungeons and Dragons night where some of my friends and I play a bit of a campaign and talk shit to one another. It’s like a poker night, but for NERRRRRRRRRRRRRDS.

We all have a “first something”, and that “first something” is always terrible yet, despite its numerous faults, it’s surprisingly charming. Whether it’s a car or a sculpture, we all have a “first something”. D&D is no exception. This week’s blog post is about my first D&D character.

Tonight, we’re going to hear the ballad…of Flynnigan Whitfieldingtonshiresworth (*guitar chord*, *rattlesnake noise*, *Jack Black scream*).

I Even Fail at Failing.

Binding of Isaac: Adorably Dark

I'm exhausted. I had a bunch of midterm projects due last week, and frankly, all I want to do is sleep.

But I can't.

"The Binding of Isaac" won't let me.

Sesame Street Once Upon a Monster: Chasing the Clouds Away

Picture the following: you’re a busy, young, college student. Midterms are happening/approached. You’re in charge of two group projects, where a large percentage of the members show up late to meetings and classes or don’t show up at all. They don’t turn in their work on time, and one person in one of the groups plays the Battlefield 3 Beta during class presentations. You are doing a large chunk of the class project. You start thinking “Argh! I’m so stressed out and angry at my teammates, I could just kill them! ”

Then you think, “Why don’t I kill them" 

“Some of them are my friends, sure, but I only took 4 classes this semester specifically to reduce my stress level. Yet they’re just as high as they were last year! Something has to be done. I’ve seen enough episodes of Dexter to know how to kill people efficiently, enough episodes of Psych, Monk, and Castle to hide my trail, and enough episodes of Mad Man to know how to say witty, awesome lines. Holy shit, I could actually pull this off.”

But that plan is tossed into trash bin the moment you start playing Double Fine’s latest game, “Sesame Street: Once Upon a Monster.”

A Few Good Jokes

The Silence of the Lambs: U Mad?

Last year, I took a course in “Story Design and Script Writing”. All the students were required to read through the screenplay for “The Silence of the Lambs” and to watch the film (if we could). I read the screenplay and watched the film. Several times. Something felt off. Rewatching the film and rereading the screenplay did not reveal the secret I was looking for, so I ventured to its Wikipedia page, hoping to find information about the film’s development and reception to understand my feelings. It apparently won numerous Oscars, including the Oscars for Best Picture, Best Screenplay, Best Actor, etc. Why?

I enjoyed the film. (I did!) But what made it so special? What wasn’t I getting? Watching the film one last time before bed, I decided that during this viewing, I would try something interesting: I would attempt to watch the film from Hannibal Lecter’s perspective. And it worked. My mind opened up. I finally understood the brilliance of the film. I accepted the gospel…through my own unique interpretation.

A witty, clever man, down on his luck, must escape to freedom by defeating numerous dimwitted opponents. How didn’t I see it before?

“The Silence of the Lambs” is a comedy, written by Hannibal Lecter himself.

Dragon! Dragon! Rock the Dragon! Dragon Ball Z!

You know what’s fun to do on a Saturday night? Taking a trip down Memory Lane! No, not the bad part of Memory Lane, with bullies punching and cute girls who friendzone you. Not today. I’m taking you to the good part of Memory Lane, with TV shows, video games, and orthodontic headgear. Today, we’re going to one of my favorite spots: Dragon Ball Z

For those of you that didn’t grow up in the 90’s, Dragon Ball Z started off as an anime inspired by the old Journey to the West and ended with muscular monkey men with glowing, golden hair that just keeps growing, destroying solar systems with their fists. Seriously.

Sucker Punch: Girls go to Jupiter to get More Stupider

Last Friday night, I was scrolling through the Amazon Instant Video Rentals, and I came across Sucker Punch.

I said to myself (because it was 1 AM and everyone else in the house was asleep) “I forgot about this film. I was gonna see it, but things came up and I didn’t. Hmm. The trailers look stupid, but my inner 15-year-old pervert is tugging on my arm to let us watch it and Watchmen wasn’t awful, so sure, why not?"

Dear lord. What have you done, Zack Snyder?

Die Hard: Quite the Courageous Feet

I’ve always heard how Die Hard was the greatest action film ever and now that Die Hard recently became available on Netflix Instant Streaming, I could finally see what all the “hoo-hah” is about! So, is, in my opinion, Die Hard the greatest action film EVAR?

Probably!

At the very least, it is definitely one of the best action films ever. And while I’m tempted to analyze the entire film, scene by scene, I haven’t the time or the OCD for it, so I’ll try to focus on what I consider the central theme of the film to be and why it’s unlikely any current action films will top it.

Megaman Legends 3 Cancelled, and The Important Question

As the title says, Megaman Legends 3 has been cancelled. Announced video games getting cancelled happens all the time. (I should know, I'm a Rare fan!)

The issue is not that Megaman Legends 3 was cancelled, but rather the issues are how Capcom frequently hinted, while the game was in development, that Megaman Legends 3 would be cancelled, how poorly Capcom treated their Megaman fans after they officially canned the game, and the question the whole mess has left behind.
 

Wheel of Morality, Turn Turn Turn...

I’m sure morality in video games could work. I’m certain of it; And though I do enjoy my video games telling me I’m a bad, bad man, I don’t really feel any sort of sense of accomplishment. The morality system in current games makes me feel like I’m some sort of moral caricature, either curling my mustache or stroking my harp. Let’s take a look at some of the problems many, if not all, of the moral systems in video games have.

(Warning: There are some Fable III spoilers in the in this blog post, but don’t let it stop you from reading it. Fable III is a horrible game and you should neither spend your time nor money on it.)